The Answer to the Mystery Machine

So today, I took my lunch break. (From work. Because I have a job now!) And I ran some errands. One of the errands I had to run was to go to a bank (Which is not the bank that I work at. I plan on transferring things, just not yet.) I was sitting in line at the drive-up when I saw it.....The Mystery Machine.

If  you live in Lincoln, NE you have probably seen it. Somebody got a van and painted it to look exactly like the Mystery Machine from the old Scooby Doo cartoon. The same bright aqua and purple paint. The logo exactly the same as the cartoon. And if  you weren't thinking too hard about the fact that cartoons don't really exist in the real world, you could imagine Fred behind the wheel and Scooby and Shaggy eating scooby snacks in the back.

This Mystery Machine is famous in Northeast Lincoln. My kids have seen it and wondered. Other kids have seen it and rumored. Who is it that drives the Mystery Machine all over the neighborhood? Is it a mega-fan of the show? Is it an anime-loving cartoon-aholic? Is it some cheeky advertising executive that thinks its artsy/retro-cool? Is it some teenage burnout that giggles at the thought of opening the van doors only to find clouds of smoke and the essence of "scooby snacks?" Is it Shaggy?

I finally saw the driver of the Mystery Machine today. He is a 50-something dude with a big bushy beard and khakis. He looked a lot more like a professor than a burnout. Glasses and a beige jacket, he looked like he was going to lead a class on anthropology. Not find out who was behind the zombie dilemma at the new cemetery country club.

He was walking out to his van at the same time another guy was walking out of the bank. This other guy looked like a thug. Now that I'm working at a bank, I'm constantly on the lookout for thugs. He had a ball cap on, pants slung low, underwear all up in there....or all up out of there...or wherever it is that thugs put their undergarments these days. He looked a little thug-ish. And he was texting.

Wanna-be Scooby got in his van. Thug-kid was texting on his phone and walking out into the parking lot. Wanna-be Scooby started up the car. Thug-kid was texting and not paying attention and walked right into the path of the reversing Mystery Machine. He didn't even see it. The Mystery Machine for crying out loud.

The van came inches from running the thug over. Inches. The Mystery Machine went forward, obviously not even seeing the thug, still in the van's blind spot. The thug gave the Mystery Machine the finger. Nice.

At this point, I knew I had to decide who to root for. If a cop came, the decision would be in favor of the pedestrian (Thug). Drivers should be cautious and look for any obstacles/pedestrians/baggy pants-wearing wanna-be gangstas in their way. But this idiot was so oblivious to the world around him. He was so engrossed in his text conversation. He was walking right in the middle of the parking lot. And almost got hit. BY THE FREAKING MYSTERY MACHINE! How do you not notice that and get the heck out of the way? Fred, Daphne, Velma, Scooby and Shaggy are coming straight at you. How do you not move over?

Turns out meddling kids these days wear their pants too low or their underwear too high. And they are so engrossed in not talking to each other that they would sacrifice their lives in order to text "clues" to one another.

Ruh-roh Raggy. There's a monster on the loose and his name is Thug on the Phone. Or Thug n' Thumbs. Or The Saggy Pants Text-a-holic. Or Phone Thugs N' Harmony. Something like that.