Blues and the Zoo

Growing up sucks. When you're a kid, you never think that life as a grown-up is going to stink. That the job that you love will disappear and go away. That you will have money problems and bills and responsibilities. That your Prince Charming is really just a man who is flawed just like yourself, and your marriage is an entity that requires constant maintenance. That your kids, while loving little creatures, aren't always well behaved, either in public or at Walmart. (There is a difference: The kids were monsters the other day at Walmart. I said, "Is this how you want people to see you behave in public?" Spencer said, "Mom, this isn't public. This is Walmart.")

Life as an adult is a whole lot harder than I ever imagined. Did I not see this in my own parents? My parents got divorced before I turned 5 years old. Did I not see the struggles my mother went through to raise us? To make sure we were fed, not just our bellies, but our minds. I remember the set of World Book Encyclopedias she tried her hand at selling, just so we would have a set at home. (Encyclopedias, by the way, for you young 'uns, is like your internet today.) She always made sure that we were involved in something, to enrich us and give us hope for the future.

I go through the UNL campus on my way to some of my Mary Kay meetings. I drive past the young, hopeful college students. They are just now plotting out their futures. I remember my days at WPGU at the University of Illinois, so full of promise. Ideas and concepts pouring out of our little heads. Not realizing at one point, people stop listening to those ideas. That "cutbacks" and "economic decisions" and are more important than fantastic ideas. That "towing the company line" takes presidence over ingenuity.

I haven't been writing in this blog too much lately, because, to be honest, I've been pretty blue. The stress of everything is really starting to get to me and I didn't think that anyone would want to read a blog of an over-stressed, slightly drunk mother of three. Now that might be able to make a good country song. Maybe even a blues song. But usually people read my blog for the "uplift." And I haven't really felt that until today.

Today, Spencer and I took his friend Alex to the Lincoln Children's Zoo. Of course getting out of the house was a nightmare. Mia was screaming, full of jealousy wondering why she couldn't come too. Spencer was insisting that he have a special one-on-one day with his friend, whose birthday we had to miss a few weeks ago because of too many things going on. (A recurring phenomenon right now). Spencer's one pair of shoes got ruined yesterday because he and Mia spent an hour playing in a bucket with a bottle of dish soap and the hose. So the kvetching over which too-small pair of shoes he was going to suffer through was another ordeal. And then Lacey got out of the house on our way out. Her favorite game is "Look How Fast I Can Run From the Human Lady When She's In A Hurry To Get Someplace."

We finally get to the zoo, and I start to relax slightly. I love the Lincoln Zoo, but my favorite thing of all, and the point to this whole blog, is my endorsement of the Z.O. & O. Railroad. The little red train takes two trips around the zoo. It's a little loud, but the hum of the engine, the rumble of the tracks, and even the occasional toot of the whistle only seem to calm my frazzle nerves even more. The soft breezes soothe my soul as we go past the camels. The sunshine glistens off of the shiny green leaves on the trees. Lilac blooms filling the air with perfume. Today, we waved to the Lincoln Marathon runners passing by. We watched the pony volunteers wave back as we passed the pony rides. (Now those are troopers for ya. Their job is to put whiney, screaming kids on the backs of hot and sticky ponies and then scoop up the poop over and over. And still, when the train passes, they smile their biggest smiles and wave back.)

Therapy sessions are like $200 bucks plus. Depending on your insurance, the prescriptions are around $40. Bottles of wine are $6.98 (Jacob's Creek Shiraz-my favorite-I'm a cheap date). The train is only $2.00 for kids, $2.75 for adults. And it goes around twice.

Legacy and Red Peppers

Yesterday and today, I called upon my Nebraskan ancestors as I tilled Husker soil and planted my small meager garden out in the back yard. I grew up in Illinois, but my grandfather's family is from Indianola, NE. The young ones gradually moved East and I think that I am the only progeny that has moved back to the heartland.

I have always been fascinated by the pioneering spirit of the people who came out here years ago to cultivate the plains. Just a dream and a vision and a lot of guts. They had to move far away from loved ones, relatives, and security just to have a shot at something bigger. They knew that they would face hardships: disease, drought, unpredictable weather, but the pursuit of a dream was a stronger calling. They risked their own lives (and sometimes the lives of their children) in order to achieve something bigger than "right now."

My something bigger is a whole heck of a lot smaller. I've got two tomato plants, one zucchini, one eggplant plant (Is that redundant?), some spinach and some carrots and one each of a red and a green pepper plant. I like to plant vegetables because I am always looking for a thrifty way of growing my own food. Red peppers at the grocery store last time I checked were like a buck-fifty each, and I am hoping I can get more than one out of my plant. (Fingers crossed.)

I also like to garden to show my kids how things grow. Really, God created amazing miracles in the way things grow. From teeny tiny seeds to wonderous green plants to fruit that we can take and eat and nourish our bodies. It is truly amazing. And to be sharing this miracle with my own little growing miracles is a pretty neat thing.

And I also like to garden because its a great way to get a tan. If you've read any of my posts, you know that I have been battling the "Unemployed So I'm Going to Pig-Out Probably More So Than I Should, Even Though I Know I Shouldn't Blues" and I have a friend who insists that tan fat looks better than white fat. Who am I to argue with a friend?

I am sure that my relatives of the past in no way could have been as 2010 superficial as I am. I'm not even sure if tans were "in" back then. (I don't think they sold Hawaiian Tropic at the General Store.) But I do appreciate their sacrifice. As I till the earth and crush it in my hands and teach Mia the best way to hydrate the soil, I am inspired by their tenacity and look forward to my own "Something Bigger." Whatever it may be. My Legacy.

Woof!

So today, I got to do 2 of my favorite things both of which I have previously blogged about. You might think that that's all I ever do, and you would be right. Mia, my 4-year old and I walked a dog and we went to Ben Franklin.

Today, we walked Lacey our West Highland Terrier. And I should say that Mia actually walked her. She now outweighs the dog by 10 pounds, so I felt okay that she could hold her. Not without struggle. Lacey kept wanting to take off and lead the walk, so again to be more accurate, I should say that Lacey was walking Mia. I love those Cesar Milan-Dog Whisperer shows on tv and thought I would try out some of his suggestions on my teeny tiny 4-year old.

"Mia," I said. "You need to lead Lacey. She doesn't lead you." I was trying to get her to call on her inner-alpha, find the control and lead. Discover the confidence in her little preschool body. Sometimes on Cesar's show, he coaches the dog owners who lack self-esteem to fake it. Pretend to be confident. Muscle up the courage and take control. "Lacey," Mia commanded. "I am walking you!"

We got to Ben Franklin and I held the dog, while Mia walked in, by herself with her dollar. I could see her through the front glass the entire time, as she picked out her candy and, beaming, paid the lady at the counter for her goodies. Mia was such a big girl. The confidence that she had been kindling on the walk was now blazing as she showcased her independence. She was empowered!

Since I have been laid off, I have struggled with my confidence. I used to know who I was, what I was good at, and how to make things happen. I could tell a joke on the radio like I was sneezing (sometimes the jokes would be about sneezing) It was that natural. I was confident in who I was and what I could accomplish. Now, I question myself. I mean I think I'm good at things. I know I'm a creative person. I know I like to be around people. I know I like to see things come to be, but that assuredness of knowing I was in control and could make things happen is gone a little bit. I second guess myself. Question my talents.

So I have decided to take a lesson from Cesar Milan and my daughter. I am going to fake it. I am going to call upon my alpha-woman and take control of my future. I might not know what that future might be, but I am going to boldly step in and take charge of it. Strong. Self-assured. Confident. I can do anything. I am woman! Woof!