Envy and Cheezits

So I went back to the well this weekend. Or the cave. Or where ever it is that you go when life's got you down and you need the love and support of those who love and support you. And I also realized that it sucks to be around happy people. Unless they are kids.

I have three adorable, yet challenging kids. My sister Krissy has the same. We've been pregnant simultaneously twice and have two sets of children that are only a month apart. If you can only imagine 6 kids and two dogs (mine at home soiling the carpets and leaving fabulous "Why'd ya go?" presents for me) running all over an enormous, happy house in Elmhurst, IL.

My sister is amazing. She's a size 2. She's gorgeous. Doesn't look a day over 26 (Actually she does, but she's the kind of woman that looks better in her 30's than she did at 21.) She has a huge house, a happy marriage, lots of money, kids who behave and dogs who don't bark at the mailman or pee on the carpet. Perfection. Oh, yeah and she is a great and giving person.

Which makes it hard to be me right now. Because I feel completely the opposite of that. I feel gray and small (and fat) and lumpy and bitter and shriveled and sad and pathetic. Next to her fabulousness, I'm just...bleh. And she'll read this and tell me, "No! You're awesome!" and give me a pep talk and offer to paint the world for me, all I'd have to do is name the color. Because that is the kind of person she is. Awesome. And I'm not. Not right now.

It's not envy exactly. I love my sister and wish her only happiness and the thought of myself being envious of her life is not true at all. I'm envious of everyone that is happy right now. People who have jobs that they can complain about. People who can buy things knowing that they will have paychecks coming in the next few months. People who can text on their cell phones. People who can decorate their houses for Halloween. People who can go to movies. People who can get their children haircuts without putting them on the charge card. People who can plan for Christmas. People who can sign up their kids for anything without wondering about the pricetag and whether or not you can afford it. People who can buy their kids a second pair of shoes. People who don't have to worry about someone they love lying to them over and over again. Envy.

So that is why I chose to focus on our children this weekend. Something about their exploits, innocent and new. I could sit and watch them envy-free. I could just enjoy their sweet spirits and their innocence. (Plus the wise sage Luke-who is my eldest nephew and who's brilliant mind who I cannot wait to see bloom, insisted that I write about them.)

Highlights of the weekend include:

1) Grant and his cousin Alec (both 9) coming upstairs from the play room with matching bloody noses. (?????) Both of them.

"What were you guys doing?" I query.

"Oh, nothing. We were just playing a game." Alec quips. Neither one was crying. No whining. No crying. Just bloody noses. And Grant looking a little green.

I could remember some crazy games of Twister growing up. Or maybe playing Barbies. Or an intense game of Monopoly with my brother. But nothing that would involve two bloody noses.

"Oh, in that case...." I handed them some tissues and sent them on their way.

2) If anyone can throw a party, it is my sister Krissy. She had the music pumping for the kids. Pepperoni pizza on these funky skull and cross bone plates. And she served sparkling apple cider in fun Halloween glasses. So festive!!!! I looked over at Mia (my 5-year old) and she looked horrified.

"What's the matter sweetie?" I ask.

"I don't want to drink....beer!" she cried. The look on her face was priceless. I plan on holding that one in my mind when she's 16 dresssed in a white tank top and miniskirt and out with some Nebraska corn-fed boys looking for the street dance. At least I know she doesn't like beer!

I assured her it was just apple cider. She took a tentative sip and loved it! (You better believe I am buying a shotgun with the first paycheck of any job I might get.)

3.) The kids were sitting at the table, playing with the new toys that Aunt Krissy had bought for them earlier in the day. When sweet little blue-eyed, blond-haired 5-year old Jack asks me, "So....when did'ya get a divorce?"

That one threw me. I've had conversations with my own kids. And conversations with grown-ups. With well thought-out and scripted reasons of why my marriage fell apart. But when a kindergartener just throws it out there in the middle of a "happy" day.....I just didn't know what to say. So I went in the pantry and cried. In the middle of single serving packets of chocolate chip cookies and Cheezits, I cried.

And then I realized, I am having a breakdown surrounded by Capri Suns and Enteneman's donuts. Small bags of fish crackers and pretzels. 5 oz bottles of water and granola bars. It was a little weird. Things in small packages. Little things to grab when you need that small something to get you to the next stage.

I have decided that even if my envy seems like it can consume me, even if the happy grown-ups are more than I can handle, I need to remember to look at my little somethings. (And the adorable little somethings around me.) Innocence. Purity. Easy nibble-ability. All in convienent self-serve packages.