Our kids have been super naughty lately. I mean really naughty. "Yelling, screaming, temper-tantruming, getting banned from organizational sports" naughty. I don't know if its too many video games, too much sugar or not enough sleep. They have been the worst at bedtime. Up for 2-3 hours after I put them to bed. So, after doing some research and consulting with their doctor, I decided to call The Sleep Fairy.
The Sleep Fairy will only come if you are perfectly well-behaved at bedtime. You have to put on your pajamas when you are told. The first time, not 5 or 6 times with your mom having to scream at you to "put your jammies on NOW"! You have to brush your teeth when you are told. Again, the first time. You have to do all of this without punching your brother or sister. You can't call them stupid or idiots or butts. You have to sit quietly for book time. You have to lay quietly in your bed, without getting out to steal cereal to snack on in the middle of the night. You cannot complain to your mother that you didn't have any fun today and "why don't we have cable?" and "can we have the hallway light on?" If you can accomplish these things, again without punching your brother and sister (I know. That is the hard part.), The Sleep Fairy will leave you something special under your pillow.
The first night goes great. All three kids sound asleep 15 minutes after being put to bed. Grant my oldest is an early riser. He's the first one up and is so excited that he got a quarter from The Sleep Fairy. Mia wakes up. There is no quarter under her pillow. Spencer wakes up. There is no quarter under her pillow. The Sleep Fairy is sure that she left a quarter under each of their pillows, but there is no money to be found. I have to give each of the kids a quarter from my purse, because I assure them that The Sleep Fairy did give them a quarter, and she thinks the The Early Morning Quarter Bandit must have taken them.
The same thing happened the next night. All three kids were fantastic and went to bed without a problem. Grant found a quarter under his pillow. Spencer and Mia found nothing. Looks like The Early Morning Quarter Bandit struck again. Grant tells me he thinks he knows the identity of The Sleep Fairy. The Sleep Fairy tells him that she knows the identity of The Early Morning Quarter Bandit.
So basically, I've traded one misbehavior for another. I've turned a sleep-deprived, rambunctious child to a thieving, manipulative, well-rested child. I suppose that is progress.
Now here's the other story. The kindergarteners at Spencer's school must really be into butts right now. Using the word "butt." Spanking each other. Some kid even got into trouble for kissing someone's backside. (Adults hear the phrase "kissing someone's butt" and it means something completely different. Kids are pretty literal.).
So Miss Henderson (her first semester teaching-God bless her) decided to teach the kids that "butt" is just another body part like any other, that "butt" isn't any funnier than "elbow," "knee" or "leg." Spencer says to Miss Henderson, "But "butts" are a private part, and private parts are funny." So true child. However, butts are the funniest private part.
Butts are always funny. Always. Its a basic rule of comedy. If you want a laugh, go with a butt joke or a fart joke and you will always score. Sometimes comedians will use other parts and can get a laugh, but sometimes even those jokes can go to far. Other private parts can be funny, but sometimes they can just be gross or just make people uncomfortable. Butts are always funny.
Plumber cracks. Mooning. Falling on it. Depants-ing. Wedgies. Whoopie cushions (butts + farts = comedy gold!!!). They even call it being the "butt of someone's joke." I am sorry, Miss Henderson. Butts are funny.
So remember, when you are getting ready for bed tonight, brush your teeth, get your jammies on, and instead of punching your brother or sister, tell them a good butt joke. And you may, just may get a quarter from The Sleep Fairy. Unless The Early Morning Quarter Bandit gets there first.
(I told you I'd try to tie them together. And if somebody doesn't like it, I suppose you know what they can kiss.)
I liked it. I sincerely hope things get better for the kids. It could be a long summer. Hopefully the air will make them very tired. I also think it would be good for them to run around the block once or twice or three times each night. Mom and Dad could time them. You might have to watch out for the bandit, he may find a secret path. So true about the butt jokes. You are not a wimpy mother, but you may be if the kids keep going like they are!!! Keep on writing!
ReplyDeleteWhat a hoot! As Larry the Cable Guy says, "I don't care who you are -- farts are funny!"
ReplyDeleteDuuuuuuude Deeee- DOODY (see? Butt joke). One summer, my brothers and I played in a cattle trailer parked near our house the WHOLE SUMMER. We must have stunk to high heaven! Sun up to sun down. No ipods. No cable. No DVDs. The 80s during a recession were a simpler time, maybe.
ReplyDeleteLOL. I am so with you. "Poop", "butt", "fart"--they all elicit belly laughs from all 3 kids. It's universal.
ReplyDeleteWhat do you like better - butts or farts? I like farts because you can have a butt without a fart but you can't have a fart without a butt. It's the best of both worlds.
ReplyDelete